Field Note: When the Rope Begins to Tighten
Note from the Noose
I didn’t come here to survive. I came here to burn true.
But what happens when even the flame forgets your name?
When do you know it’s time to walk away—
Not in theory, but in the marrow.
When the noose tightens and you feel your feet starting to slip from under you.
Truthfully?
That’s already too late.
But I can feel it.
I can feel the dangle starting to happen.
I fought and bled for this dream of Bulgaria.
Those closest to me know the obscenity of my stubbornness.
But when is it time to walk away?
And more than that—
What do I lose by waiting?
What do I gain by staying?
Maybe she’s waiting.
Maybe she’s not.
Maybe it’s too late.
Maybe it’s still too early.
I feel the knot against my neck,
tightening — slow, insistent.
The kind of pressure you pretend not to feel
until you can’t swallow anymore.
Will I even make it out of this alive?
Years of bodily neglect are catching up to me.
I don’t even know how much damage I’ve done.
This vessel once carried light.
Now it carries warning signs.
How do I make it out of this?
Where is the door?
All I see are mirrors —
but none of them show the way forward.
Only a thousand versions of myself
still standing in the same room.
And their reflection blinds me.
Too late.
…Or maybe—
just too tired.
— A.
Stories are doorways. Doorways are portals.
Some doorways lead to more doorways. Some doorways lead to a brick wall. Some doorways lead you home.
Those doorways live inside of you. They live inside your heart, your memory, and every life that you lifted or inspired, even for a minute.
Those doorways live in all the times that you held out a lantern to someone else and said, "I have walked this path myself. I hold up a lamp for you now. I cannot tell you how to walk this path. But I can show you how I did it. "
For in this time of uncertainty and seemingly inevitable collapse, why are we here if not to Master this game of Life. And this requires us to see fully the sorrow and the ache.
And and to choose, in spite of the sorrow and the ache, Joy. To see the pain and decide to stay and love anyway. To see the pain, choose Joy, choose love, and hold out a lantern even when it's hard. Even when it hurts. Even when we think we can't.
Why else would we come here at this time, if not to choose to stay, and love anyway...
I can think of not one reason.
Be guided by love and all that you say.
Be guided by love in all that you do.
Be guided by love and you can't go wrong.
---As spoken by Dense, Ass of the Revelation, to Raelven, and by her, to you.
I hope you find the rest and peace you need (and deserve). Please stay and loosen the ropes grip, there's always a way ❣️